The Official Bitcoin Billionaire's Handbook
Long, long ago, in 2009, a group of proud pioneers began using the independent peer-to-peer electronic cash system known as Bitcoin. Nick Szabo and the Winklevii were among us. It was like the Wild West, a hazy, far-off time when all you could buy with crypto was a Papa John’s large pepperoni and a gram of MDMA on the online black market known as Silk Road.
Now, just about everyone is
Suddenly there’s a fresh new wave of Bitcoin bros joining our khaki-wardrobed ranks, that of the whales: the four percent of Bitcoin holders who control 95 percent of the wealth. Before we admit you into our pampered surroundings, we need to make sure you understand our code of
Like the preps, punks, and robber barons before us, you Fresh Princes of Bit Air must understand that our lifestyle has rules, and any deviation from them could prove ruinous. How do you rush-job a nouveau riche lifestyle in just a few months, especially when you’re not really “new money”—because your money isn’t even money
A Social Register of our forebears
The Winklevii. The
Charlie Shrem. Brooklyn computer geek turned ex-con by age 27. Baller. With a look that recalls a frat house bathroom sink covered in beard clippings, Charlie Shrem is a relic from the illicit early days of crypto. He now lives in Sarasota. Net worth:
Chris Larsen. The co-founder of the financial transaction company Ripple, he is the friendly face of the “financial privacy” movement (no matter how sinister this whole thing may turn out to be). With 5.19 billion XRP (ripples) in personal holdings and a net worth of $37.3 billion, he is richer than Zuckerberg—the ultimate Bit-goal.
Blythe Masters. Wunderkind JP Morgan Chase exec turned CEO of Digital Asset Holdings and blockchain evangelist. Hot, brilliant, and polished. A Burberry trench coat
Satoshi Nakamoto. The Many-Faced Crypto God. Satoshi Nakamoto is the pseudonymous creator of Bitcoin. Could be anyone. Could be no one. Could be more than one person. Hell—could even be a woman. (Just don't tell the bros that.)
Our Spirit Animals
The only gods we pray to
(From left) Oscar Isaac in Ex Machina, Jude Law in Gattaca, That Preacher Justin Bieber Worships, Armie Hammer (as the Winklevii), Leo DiCaprio. Just Leo.
A subtle approach to disrupting your closet
Bitcoin Barons. The successful Cryptocrat personifies bland normcore.
The truly confident Bit bro does not wear ostentatious clothes or bright
*: A purposeful misspelling of “hold,” because Bitcoin billionaires can’t be bothered to spell-check.
Our Creature Comforts
Just a few quaint tchotchkes
First, How to Start the Day. Brush pizza crusts off your keyboard and get the latest numbers on Bitcoinmagazine.com. Your net worth may have either tanked or skyrocketed before you rose from your slumber to meet the day. Then have a pour-over coffee, followed by a Bulletproof coffee, followed by a nitro coffee.
The Yacht. (We don’t call them boats.) Land ownership is less important than yacht ownership. A yacht well stocked with Red Bull, Cristal, and Blue Apron delivery is the ideal place for a cuddle puddle, offshore trading, and surviving the upcoming world financial implosion. Don’t worry if it feels smaller than you thought it would—this is just a placeholder for your private colony on Mars.
This Lamborghini goes for $400,000–so worth the splurge.
The Ride. A Lambo, bro. Jenna from junior-year chem who brutally friend-zoned you will be begging to ride your fat Lamborghini any day now. (Alternative: a reserved seat on the first Virgin Galactic trip to the moon.)
The Drone. A good, sturdy drone is as crucial and indispensable as a black Labrador is to the Nantucketer. Drones take photos of cliff diving, entrées at Madcap, and overhead shots of the cleavage of that K-pop star you invited over to your hotel roof deck in Puerto Rico.
The Mavic Air goes for $900.
The Cuisine. Use
The Staff. Do you need someone to prepare your Blue Apron? (So confusing!) AI is preferable, but until they create a robot that not only sounds like ScarJo but looks like ScarJo, try TaskRabbit. For more intense needs, try the Hitman Network. They accept crypto.
**: That’s what we call government-issued currency.
A Note On Philanthropy
Portray a concern for the environment, gender equality, or the financial empowerment of the developing world. Don’t worry, you won’t be speaking to anyone outside your own demographic at any time, so you can just make stuff up that sounds
Terms like parity and microfinancing will help divert attention from the fact that so far the only thing Bitcoin owners have effectively organized are money launderettes and an open-air narcotics e-bazaar.
Acceptable Topics at the Crypto Castle Dinner Table
- Hillary and Trump being essentially the same.
- Taxes and how hilarious it is that people pay them.
- How beta it is to earn money by performing
laborthat contributes to society.
- Don't mention debit cards!
Tips For Rising Female Bitcoiners
Galia Benartzi (Left), of Bancor, and Elizabeth Stark, of Lightning Labs.
You are strong, insightful women. Don’t be mistaken for founder
***: Nerd gold-diggers.
This story appears in the April 2018 issue of Town & Country.
*This story originally appeared on Townandcountrymag.com
*Minor edits have been made by the townandcountry.ph editors