Manners & Misdemeanors
The Truly Rich Lady's Best Answers to Alternative Miss Universe Questions
Unfiltered responses to a few bizarre and some legendary beauty pageant questions.
ILLUSTRATOR SANDY ARANAS
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The Philippines didn't win this year's most awaited tilt, so my friends at Town&Country  asked me to answer some pageant Q&As to see if I, the Truly Rich Lady, would've made the cut. And so here are my unfiltered responses to a few bizarre and some legendary questions. 

If you could send anyone home from the competition, who would it be?
I would not send anyone home for that is improper and rude. But if there should be someone who deserves to be, shall we say, led away for a very grave reason like wearing a knock-off and passing it off as the real thing, then I would motion to my assistant, who would then radio security, who would then invite the lady outside. These things should be done very discreetly.

If you were a Dairy Queen Blizzard flavor, what would you be?
I would be an Oreo Blizzard, because I would like to be palatable to anyone and everyone. I am both black and white or, in other words, neutral. And I will be creamy vanilla, which is boring, I know, but always likable. Also I would be a Mini, obviously.

What don’t I need to know about you?
Oh, god. What have you heard? I swear I am not really obsessed with this Meghan Markle. I did not go overboard during Black Friday sales and hoard Barbour raincoats, Mother light-wash jeans, Misha Nonoo white shirts, and Veronica Beard high-waist shorts.

In the next day or so, a man will land on the moon. If a man from the moon lands in your hometown, what would you do to entertain them?
Obviously, we would throw the most terrific party. And, even though it would be very last minute, I would not have any major, major problems because all my tried-and-trusted people for food, entertainment, and decoration are my friends—and they wouldn’t mind throwing an impromptu party for a citizen of the moon.

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So we hold this soiree in the garden, and the trees would be adorned with gigantic parols plus twinkling strings of lights. We would have to find a supplier of fireflies that will provide additional mood, too.

We would serve fruitcake–the recipe passed on from my great-grandmother–because I love fruitcake and, I believe, it is the universal tongue of Christmas. The rest of the spread would be traditional Filipino food, including the lechon from my own kitchen.

I would like a mini-orchestra, but if we fail to book one, we would just play Lea Salonga’s new album, Bahaghari, in which she sings in different dialects. And then I would ask the moon man about his own language of clicks and hisses. It would be a modest party, but I think our guest of honor would have a wonderful time.

You guys have a bunch of islands here. How many islands are in the Philippines?
Do you mean how many islands do I personally own? I am not at liberty to say. But ask me again in private, and I will invite you to the one with turtles. Or do you like whales? 

Let’s make believe that all of a sudden you had a million dollars. What’s the first thing you would buy and why would you buy it?
It just so happens that what you described really did happen to me a few weeks ago. I was in one of my moods and decided to tidy again the second guest room. After moving the heavy Ah Tay bed to another location, I found a dusty suitcase filled with, let’s just say, more than what you have described. I was eyeing a sparkler from my favorite Roman jewelers, but I did the right thing and called my financial adviser, who promptly took the cash and invested it in low-risk securities.

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If Miss Universe were to become pregnant during her reign, should she be allowed to continue as Miss Universe?
The answer to this question are babies. If Miss Universe becomes pregnant and gives birth during her reign, then we would have our first Little Miss or Little Mister Universe. No one should be fired for that.

What quality in yourself are you most proud of, and how will you apply that quality in your time as Miss Universe?
Well, I am very much proud that I am a Truly Strong Female, who, with or without a fortune, can stand on my own two feet as I am doing now, replacing this busted light in my bathroom. 

Why should you be the next Miss Universe?
To be Miss Universe is both an honor and a responsibility, but I would have to respectfully decline this appointment as I am unavailable at the moment (I am in the midst of a redecoration). But please ask me again next year, and maybe I can bear the weight of the crown on my head. I do have one condition: Can we possibly change the title to Truly Rich Lady of the Universe?

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C.C. Coo
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