Last month, Monopoly announced which crowd-sourced pieces made the final cut for the newest version of the board game being released this fall. More than 4.3 million voters from 143 countries voted on the 64 contenders, ultimately deeming a Tyrannosaurus Rex, rubber ducky, and penguin the winners. Meanwhile, the boot, wheelbarrow, and thimble tokens will be unceremoniously tossed into the annals of memory.
Considering Monopoly is all about greed, grooming young faux real estate moguls into future business tycoons, it makes sense from a sociological and economic standpoint that the purest symbols of physical labor in the game got the shaft.
We get it. A board game that’s been around since 1935 and played by an estimated 1 billion people must evolve with the times, or it risks losing relevancy. Hasbro recently introduced an electronic banking version of the game, but the demise of “relics” from a less social media savvy era is the latest insult to injury.
Monopoly's newest additions: a rubber duck, tyrannosaurus rex, and penguin
With our entire identity as a nation in turmoil, one of the few things that
That said, let's look at some other tokens Hasbro might have considered instead:
Only the people with health care “deserve” this token.
This special piece gets to skip over the "evil EPA" square.
SILVER SPOON (EXCLUSIVELY FOR MONOPOLY 1% EDITION)
The spoon token is made of sterling silver because silver-plated would be a cruel joke.
If it lands on a ‘nuclear’ square, the player gets to the throw the board up in the air and run from the room.
The player should honestly take the token and flee considering the upcoming bear market.
Little do the rest of the players know, you’ve already won.
TOOTHPICK THROUGH AN OLIVE
You're probably playing during cocktail hour anyway. Why not accept the inevitable?
Perfect for the ‘Masonic Lodge’ square!
The last person to join in is forced to take the meatloaf token and remain silent while being insulted by the rest of the players for the entirety of the game.
Avoid the rest of the game and retreat to the Palm Beach square.
*This story originally appeared on Townandcountrymag.com.
* Minor edits have been made by the