10 Short Stories Inspired by Martha Stewart's Social Media Posts

It's Martha's world, we're just living in it.

It goes without saying that Martha Stewart is the OG (original gangster) of lifestyle branding, perhaps even the commercialization of DIY culture itself. No wonder so many rappers hang with her: They know she's the real deal, with signature cocktail recipes as strong as her unfailingly honest persona.

Case in point, Martha's personal social media accounts. Her Twitter and Instagram provide an often unfiltered look into Martha's real life—save for the occasional sponsored post that was clearly uploaded by a social media manager. That a celebrity of her stature commands her own (sometimes shaky) photography and weirdly punctuated captions shows how comfortable she is with herself and her devoted following.

Her writing has a lyrical quality to it—many of her dispatches appear hurriedly typed while three chardonnays deep—so allow us to imagine, for a moment, the fictional context surrounding each of them.

Sweet, Sweet Blackmail

Seconds after the shot, Martha unceremoniously dropped the cake; chocolate icing and Martha Stewart for Macy's ceramic shards littering the tile floor.


"Let Rick Ross know I held up my part of the bargain," she scowled. "He's deleting those Palm Beach photos and I want my cashmere ruana back."

MarthaThe Myth, The Legend

"No," Martha whispered. "I still have more time."

"The prophecy must be fulfilled." Blinked the falcon. "Text Snoop Dogg. The very fabric of our mortal realm depends on your combined dinner parties."

Gobble This

"I told you to stay out of my herb garden," said Martha to the silent former offender while carving up his mate for Thanksgiving dinner.

Snow Rest for the Weary

Martha gunned the plow in reverse, letting the engine roar then subside to a dull reverberation that echoed across the pure white landscape shrouding her New York estate.

"Nothing to do but wait," Martha said to her pomeranian, who had already retrieved her monogrammed silver emergency flask out of the glove compartment.

Floral Fantasy


@seenbysharkey took this photo last night at the @nybg orchid dinner superb tablescapes

A post shared by Martha Stewart (@marthastewart48) on

"Nice," said Martha as she nonchalantly plucked an orchid from the tablescape. "They almost look as good as the florals I arrange in my boudoir."

The Right Way to Do Branding

“Sorry, but you need a full back piece to earn a VIP spot in my fan club,” shouted Martha while speeding away in a convenient golf cart.

St. Barth's Still Paying Off

St Bart's thirty years ago!!!! Where did I put that gold thing?

A post shared by Martha Stewart (@marthastewart48) on

"This is right after I seduced the sultan, the idiot bequeathed me the northern providence of his kingdom that I sometimes still use for weekend jaunts."

Soulless Modernity

Practicing hover board craft in my friends apartment in Doha watch out for walls and furniture!!

A post shared by Martha Stewart (@marthastewart48) on

"I still prefer the gardeners carrying me, this contraption is far less sturdy," said Martha, kicking the hoverboard before it burst into flames over an 18th-century Persian rug.

Martha's Makeover

"Snoop actually has a life-sized version of this framed and hung in his champagne room so I take it he liked it."

All-Seeing, All-Knowing

"A reminder to you all that I'm omnipresent," Martha said with a hair flip before an attending intern lit her cigar.


This story originally appeared on

* Minor edits have been made by the editors.

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