It goes without saying that Martha Stewart is the OG (original gangster) of lifestyle branding, perhaps even the commercialization of DIY culture itself. No wonder so many rappers hang with her: They know she's the real deal, with signature cocktail recipes as strong as her unfailingly honest persona.
Case in point, Martha's personal social media accounts. Her Twitter and Instagram provide an often unfiltered look into Martha's real life—save for the occasional sponsored post that was clearly uploaded by a social media manager. That a celebrity of her stature commands her own (sometimes shaky) photography and weirdly punctuated captions shows how comfortable she is with herself and her devoted following.
Her writing has a lyrical quality to it—many of her dispatches appear hurriedly typed while three chardonnays deep—so allow us to imagine, for a moment, the fictional context surrounding each of them.
Sweet, Sweet Blackmail
Seconds after the shot, Martha unceremoniously dropped the cake; chocolate icing and Martha Stewart for Macy's ceramic shards littering the tile floor.
"Let Rick Ross know I held up my part of the bargain," she scowled. "He's deleting those Palm Beach photos and I want my cashmere ruana back."
Martha—The Myth, The Legend
I guess I should have listened to my friend at the farm A red tail relative of the Falcons and he was a premonition! pic.twitter.com/9xXDpILPSZ— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) February 6, 2017
"No," Martha whispered. "I still have more time."
"The prophecy must be fulfilled." Blinked the falcon. "Text Snoop Dogg. The very fabric of our mortal realm depends on your combined dinner parties."
Once alive Now a centerpiece pic.twitter.com/Tl43aozOuW— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 24, 2016
"I told you to stay out of my herb garden," said Martha to the silent former offender while carving up his mate for Thanksgiving dinner.
Snow Rest for the Weary
I decided to plow now I am stuck darn!!!!! pic.twitter.com/htdUI9iXfW— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) February 9, 2017
Martha gunned the plow in reverse, letting the engine roar then subside to a dull reverberation that echoed across the pure white landscape shrouding her New York estate.
"Nothing to do but wait," Martha said to her pomeranian, who had already retrieved her monogrammed silver emergency flask out of the glove compartment.
"Nice," said Martha as she nonchalantly plucked an orchid from the tablescape. "They almost look as good as the florals I arrange in my boudoir."
The Right Way to Do Branding
“Sorry, but you need a full back piece to earn a VIP spot in my fan club,” shouted Martha while speeding away in a convenient golf cart.
St. Barth's Still Paying Off
"This is right after I seduced the sultan, the idiot bequeathed me the northern providence of his kingdom that I sometimes still use for weekend jaunts."
"I still prefer the gardeners carrying me, this contraption is far less sturdy," said Martha, kicking the hoverboard before it burst into flames over an 18th-century Persian rug.
"Snoop actually has a life-sized version of this framed and hung in his champagne room so I take it he liked it."
"A reminder to you all that I'm omnipresent," Martha said with a hair flip before an attending intern lit her cigar.
This story originally appeared on Townandcountrymag.com.
* Minor edits have been made by the